24.12.11

Welfare animals

*Warning* People who are animal lovers, have welfare, or are members of PETA should not read this blog posting!!! I warned you, so don’t sue me because you don’t like it!
Living in the country, animals are expected to make an honest living. By saying this I mean, we don’t pamper our animals. The sheep, goats, and cows are expected to get out into the field exercise and eat grass.  The chickens are expected to lay eggs and eat bugs. The dogs are expected to protect the chickens, sheep, goats, cows, and cats. And the cats are supposed to hunt mice and moles. You would think this would be fair for the pay of a medium plate worth of food every day right? (If not then you don’t live on a farm.) Turns out all of our animals are trying to get welfare. The chickens are not laying and they are demanding more food. The dog chases the chickens and, the cats sit at our window every day and beg for food. They are welfare kitties. Every day I wake up and open the window blinds and there they are.




And there he is; the welfare kitty. He always wants me to feed him, but he never hunts. All he does every day is sit in front of that window and beg for food. He gave me his googley eyes.




NO! I yelled while slamming the curtains back shut (I don’t know how but I managed to slam the curtains). That cat had to go catch its food for today and not beg.  Later that day I re opened the window and the cat was still there. Oh well I thought I guess I will read for a little bit.


When the cow and the sheep showed up I knew I had had enough of these welfare animals. I must do something! I MUST! So I did the only thing I really knew how to do.




Needless to say I had a good dinner that night and a whole lot less welfare animals.


*This blog posting does not entirely represent the opinions of me or my family. So, seriously, don’t sue me.*

14.12.11

Jeans

Jean shopping is not fun (most people already know this). One day when my mom told me we were going to go jean shopping this was my reply.
I had heard of the horrors of jean shopping, I knew that I would go crazy. The worst thing was that it was Women’s jean shopping. THE WORST!  So we sullenly marched into the car. My siblings didn’t seem to know the true terror of it all.
When we got to the store my mouth dropped at the amount of clothes there where; specifically the jeans that we had to go through. It suddenly occurred to me that, I might in fact die in this store.

My mom told us the specific sizes, waist, color, and look of the kinds of jeans she wanted. Then we split up. I knew my odds of making it out of this store where slim.

As my mom was going into the locker to try about 75 new sets of jeans, my mind fizzled.






I realized right then and there I would not get out of this store until I found the perfect pair of jeans.  I went on the hunt.

Dressed in uniform I went to interrogate, impersonate, and investigate where the perfect pair of jeans where.
He was helpful. He pointed me to the exact pair I wanted.


I knew I had them. THE PERFICT PAIR OF JEANS!

And this is why I don’t go jean shopping unless the jeans we are searching for are for me, where I don’t have to find the perfect pair. I will just pick up the first pair I see and if it fits then I’m done.

The Little things.

There are things in life that annoy me (and I’m pretty sure the rest of the population). It’s not the kind of annoy where you break an arm; or when you stub a toe.  It’s the kind of annoy when your brother decides to turn on the hot water while you are in the shower, so as to divert from the pipes all that is warm and good in this world, to give you an arctic bath. *Below is me after an arctic bath*
Being male, keywords involving lipstick, nail polish, ponies, hair, glitter, pink, purple, butterflies, rainbows, eyelashes, or fake nails make me start to go insane (and shopping for clothes).  
Flies drive me crazy. They buzz everywhere, constantly landing on my food and my forehead. Do you know flies regurgitate their food onto an object then eat it up again? This is why you get brown spots on your windows (little ones) and why a fly is obsessed with returning to your sandwich. They regurgitated on your food and they want to come back and eat it up again. I lived my life happily without knowing this, but now I know and I will spread my knowledge mwahhhaaaaaaaa.



Another thing that bothers me is wet towels. When you get out of a pool or shower and the only towel you have is soggy and cold,  you need to dry off but you can’t find a dry towel. This is the situation I am talking about.

Finally we come to coffee. We can’t deny my dad any coffee or else we get a scene like this. It is really bad when a pot is not ready for him by the time he comes down the stairs. I like coffee too, but when dad is out of coffee I am forced to surrender my cup.
These are some of the things that drive me crazy.

8.12.11

The squirrel story

Once upon a time, when I was a young and crazy lad I went to my friend’s house to play. As we were running outside we just so happened to come across a brutal scene. A cat was mutilating a little squirrel! Of course being the brave lads that we where, we snagged the squirrel from the evil demon cat and observed the damage.
                                                             It didn’t look pretty.
So using our brilliant minds we decided to do an operation.
I called out like a true surgeon. But my only answer was “we don’t have any”. I went down a list of things we needed.
                                                   Nope Nope nope and nope, was my reply.
Finally we decided to push the squirrels guts back inside of its little body and stretch a broken balloon (the only thing we had) across its stomach. It looked a little like this.
Needless to say the squirrel did not live. We were pretty sad about our failed operation. In the end we gave the squirrel back to the cat and went on with our day.