20.1.12

Alien survival guide


Devin’s Guide to surviving alien attacks offers you a visual aid on what to do when; getting abducted, fighting, greeting, and getting zapped by aliens.
1)      1) First sighting of an alien.
When you see an alien you will probably start to panic. This is normal, and ok. If you don’t panic then the alien will probably see you as a threat and zap you. In times of panicking you should consider running around. This will enhance the panic factor and make you a harder target to shoot. 
 
1)      2) Next you will want to know how to greet the aliens. Some people say the best way to greet an alien is to give them a nice firm handshake or slapping them across the face (50-50 chance of living on the latter one). I have composed Do’s and Don’ts on alien greetings. 


3)  When do aliens come? Aliens come whenever they want to. The usually show up approximately when you are least expecting them. 
 
It happens just like this. Then they take you and use you for experiments. They also seem to like to abduct cows and monkeys and switch the brains out with humans. Then they beam them back down. I know a few people myself, who have gotten their brains switched out with a monkeys.
1)      4) When aliens announce that they are taking over the world here are your best plans of action.
a)      Run and hide.
b)      Become an alien pet.
c)       Shoot guns at them before they can vaporize you.
d)      Give your little brother as a sacrifice. If you have none of these around then a sister or friend will work.
e)      Convince the aliens that you are smart enough to be left alive.
f)       Volunteer for the cow/monkey brain transplants.
When aliens have taken over the earth it is ok to remain calm. The aliens will know you are under their control, and so you will not need to panic any more. If you still feel like panicking then that is ok too. 
 
This concludes my short guide on how to survive an alien attack.

18.1.12

The kid with the jelly hands

The library is a place of many strange and awesome things. It is a place where I can go and check out fifteen seasons of cop shows and watch them without a commercial break. It is also a place where you can meet your doom. In the caverns and long halls of the library, there are frequent book slides and magazine avalanches. One might not even be heard under the ruble of the books. 
Cons of the library are the sound rules. 
 
The library has many pros and many cons, but by far the worst would be, the “jelly hand kid”. The entire mission of the “jelly hand kid” is to seek out the movie I most want to see. He then takes the movies I have been waiting my entire life to see and watches them. But he waits the full two weeks before returning them. In fact some of them are overdue. Right before he returns the DVD he does this. 




So by the time the movie I have been waiting to see my entire life arrives it’s all covered in jelly. 


 
I clean off the movie and put it in. I am lucky enough to scrape off the crusted on jelly with a hammer and a crowbar with minimal damage. Once in the movie plays great. Or that is, it plays great until the climax.  See the “jelly hand kid” is good at the art of making a scratch right at the climax of the movie. 
 
“Here is what I did at the battle that changed me”; it says.
 Then the movie gives me just a hint of what happened, just enough so I can mourn not seeing the climax.
 
This is generally what happens every movie I have waited my entire life to see (the movie this time was The Patriot). Despite missing the climax I look like this after the movie.